| Would be Audrey. Except my twin, Iris (Ebonye), decided I needed a new name. So there it is. I do like it. So this shall be a very deep first entry. I've always turned to Xanga to outlet all my feelings where I couldn't nessicarly do it anywhere else. I've been quite depressed lately. Not because of, but set off by, my recent break up. I had been with a certian guy for about 16 months (Take 6 days and we woulda been there.) And I was okay with the breaking up, because our series of events went like this. June: One year.
July: 26 hour break up, on his part.
August: Me being on edge all the time because my brother is in Iraq.
September: He started school, and we were fighting, a lot.
October: It seemed like everything was okay, but I guess not. The day he broke up with me, he did it in an e-mail. Which was a horribly cowardly thing to do, but whatever. And I was sad, I was shaking, but I was okay. And then about three hours later I IMed his best friend, and asked how long I could expect for him to move on. And his best friend tells me, that he already has. Then, a couple days later, I'm talking to his younger sister. She and I are friends, and she was talking about how bad she felt that he had changed as much as he had, and she basically revealed to me that he had been cheating on me. Which I kinda already knew. There was a lot of distance between us, he was growing tired of me. So yeah, I knew. But I didn't want to admit it. So the first week or so after the fact, I was an emotional train wreck. Up and down all the time, I even drank to forget it one night. (Stupidest idea on the planet.) And this entire time, he's saying to me "I want to be friends with you." and I'm sitting there like "Um. No." But there's where I've been getting caught. Because he was in my life for 17 months. And then suddenly he's just gone, just with someone else. And I'm stuck feeling like a failure because I couldn't get him to stick around. Him, or anyone for that matter. I'm 17. I'm a very strong and independent person. And every boyfriend I've had has cheated on me, or at least had the dignity to end it before dating someone else right away. So I feel like I'm just not good enough, and I never will be. Because I've always been left for something "better" than I am. So, the question I've been asking myself, or scaring myself with lately, is will I ever be good enough? And I'm really scared that I won't. And yeah, se la ve. It's life. People get infatuated, think it's love, and then just move on, just like a snap of your fingers. But the most awful thing about this for me, is that I really, really loved him. And it upsets me that he's just so high school. That he's such a stubborn child. That nothing has any consequence. That 16 months of my life, weren't worth a hell of a lot to him. But I have an oppertunity, to date someone I've been attracted to for a while now. Shain, and Shain is 19, Shain is awesome, Shain is a southern boy. But truth be told. I'm absolutely terrfied of him. I'm terrified of all men. Because I don't want to feel like this, ever again. So. There. Is what I'm feeling recently. Yay for first entries. Love you Iris. <3 |
